Some relationships, whether good or bad, eventually come to an end. But when that happens, you need to understand that they may leave behind unresolved feelings or issues between the people involved. What the happens when you want to get back with your ex?
THE REASONS BEHIND IT
According to Taryn Steyn, a psychologist from Alberton, it is important to evaluate why you enter into, or decide to end a relationship.’Relationships always have a reason for ending. Often one or both parties have been aware that things have not been going well for some time. These reasons may include factors such as timing, communication, incompatibility and cheating. You have to explore the causes behind the initial breakup,” she explains. This is because deciding to give a failed relationship another chance is especially difficult once you’ve already separated.
‘Failed relationships happen for many reasons, and are often a source of great psychological anguish. It is therefore essential to understand exactly why a past relationship failed, and why there is a need to revive it,’ she adds.
RELATIONSHIP VS CLOSURE AND HEALING
The dynamics are slightly different when you are not looking to rekindle the relationship, but rather to find closure. This is often a reason for having contact with your ex, especially when you were the dumped one. Additionally, being dumped can result in you questioning yourself or feeling like a failure. Rekindling the relationship provides hope to prove this wrong or get a better reason of why things ended. This was the case for 29-year-old Dudu Nyoni. ‘When I started talking to my ex-boyfriend again, I was excited because I had unanswered questions about our relationship.I wanted to know why he had broken up with me,’ Dudu says. This can work out easier when ex-partners share what they would like to achieve from renewed conversations from the beginning. “I made it clear from the beginning that I wasn’t getting back together with him, and that I wanted to know if he ever loved me,’ she adds.
Taryn also advises that you distinguish between the ideas of what was, and the reality of what you experienced throughout the relationship. This is because in an attempt to heal, you may find yourself reminiscing and longing for the good old times, shifting painful memories to the background.
SUCCESS STORIES
There are instances, however, where rekindling an old relationship becomes successful. But for this to happen, you need to be honest about your feelings, and be willing to work through the issues that contributed towards the breakup. This was the case with Nonhlanhla Dlamini (32). When her ex-boyfriend wanted them to revive their relationship, she had a lot to reflect on.
‘I considered his request, but knew that my decision had to benefit me as much as it would benefit him,’ she says. At this point, you also have to be clear about your deal-breakers in order to avoid any misunderstanding.
‘It was vital for us to go for counselling before we even thought of getting back together again. I needed a space where we could lay our issues out on the table without judgement, and then find solutions. Luckily, he agreed with me,’ she adds. It’s been four years since Nonhlanhla got back together with her ex. They now have a two-year-old daughter, and are engaged. The last time Dudu bumped into her ex, he was with his new girlfriend. She had eventually gotten her closure from their conversations through the phone. She has also moved on.’
‘If rekindling the relationship has good motivation from both parties, you need to actively partake in making it work. This entails exploring the dynamics of the previous relationships, and understanding all the behavioural, emotional and psychological forces that played a role in the breakup. Despite what may have happened in the past, both contributed to it in some way,’ says Taryn.
