Reader’s letter:
Hi Zola,I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just over a year, and I really do love him. He has a child with his ex, and I knew that coming in, I’ve always respected that she will be part of his life because of their child.
But lately, it feels like there are no boundaries.
His baby mama calls him at all hours, not just about their child, but about her personal problems, her job, even her relationships. He drops everything to answer. When we’re together, he’ll step outside to take her calls, and if he doesn’t answer, she keeps calling until he does.
What bothers me most is how comfortable she is. She’ll send him voicenotes late at night, sometimes laughing, sometimes complaining, like they’re still emotionally connected.
I brought it up, and he told me, “That’s just how we co-parent. I can’t ignore the mother of my child.”
I understand that. I really do. But this doesn’t feel like co-parenting; it feels like I’m sharing him emotionally with someone he used to build a life with.
I don’t want to be insecure or come between him and his child… but I also don’t want to feel like the third person in my own relationship.
Where do I draw the line without looking like the villain?
Feeling like I’ll always come second
Hi there,
You’re absolutely right about one thing: when there’s a child involved, the connection between parents doesn’t disappear. But what should change is the nature of that connection.
Co-parenting requires communication, but it doesn’t require emotional dependence.
What you’re describing goes beyond logistics and parenting. Late-night calls, ongoing personal conversations, and emotional reliance are signs that the boundary between “co-parents” and “something more familiar” hasn’t been clearly redefined.
And that’s where your discomfort is coming from.
This isn’t about you competing with his child; it’s about you feeling like you’re competing with his past.
Now, let’s address something important: your boyfriend isn’t wrong for being present for his child. But he is responsible for setting boundaries that protect his current relationship. Right now, it sounds like he’s prioritising keeping the peace with her over creating clarity with you.
Healthy co-parenting looks like structure. It looks like respect for time, space, and the new partner in the picture. It doesn’t look like being emotionally on-call 24/7.
You’re not the villain for wanting boundaries; you’re asking for balance.
The conversation you need to have is not “choose her or me.” It’s:
What does respectful co-parenting look like in a relationship?
What communication is necessary, and what is crossing into emotional territory?
Because if those lines aren’t drawn, you won’t just feel second, you’ll slowly feel invisible.
And a relationship can’t thrive in that space.
– Zola 💬
Picture: Ninthgrid / Unsplash
