Reader’s letter:
Hi Zola,I never thought I’d be the kind of woman writing in about a “work wife”… but here I am.
My husband and I have been married for six years, and up until recently, I trusted him completely. He’s always spoken about this colleague of his, let’s call her N, as just a friend. They message often, grab coffee, and sometimes work late together. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t want to be that insecure wife.
Last week, we were at his company function, and I met her for the first time.
Zola… the way she greeted him made my stomach drop. She ran up, hugged him tightly and said, “There you are, I’ve been looking for you all night.” I was standing right there. He didn’t pull away. He didn’t introduce me immediately. It was like I was invisible for a few seconds.
Later that night, I told him I felt uncomfortable. He laughed it off and said I was being dramatic, that’s “just how she is.”
But I can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right. It’s not just her behaviour, it’s his lack of boundaries.
Am I reading too much into this, or is this how emotional affairs start?
– Feeling like the outsider in my own marriage
Hi there,
You’re not reacting to a hug or a kiss on the cheek. You’re reacting to a dynamic, and more importantly, to your husband’s response to it.
Let’s be clear: the issue isn’t whether she is overly familiar. The real question is, why is your husband comfortable with that level of familiarity, especially in front of you?
When a third party behaves in a way that feels inappropriate, the responsibility doesn’t sit with them alone. It sits with the person in the relationship to set the tone, the boundaries, and the respect.
And in that moment, he didn’t do that.
What you experienced, that brief feeling of being invisible, matters more than he seems willing to admit. It’s often in those small, subtle interactions that deeper issues reveal themselves.
Now, does this automatically mean he’s having an emotional affair? Not necessarily. But it does suggest blurred boundaries, and those are exactly the conditions where emotional affairs can grow.
What’s more concerning is the dismissal. When someone tells you you’re “being dramatic” instead of trying to understand why you feel uncomfortable, it shuts down the conversation and shifts the focus away from the real issue.
You don’t need to prove that something is happening to justify how you feel. Discomfort is information.
The next step isn’t accusation, it’s clarity.
Be specific with him: it’s not about jealousy, it’s about respect. What does appropriate behaviour with colleagues look like in your marriage? What are the boundaries that make both of you feel secure?
Because the truth is, strong relationships aren’t just about trust; they’re about protecting the relationship from situations that could undermine it.
Right now, you don’t feel protected. And that’s the conversation that needs to happen.
– Zola 💬
Picture: JD Mason / Pexels
