“There are no universal rules about coming clean,” says Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W., a marriage therapist in Colorado. “The truth can help some couples begin to heal in an honest and open way.”
In other cases, she says, it can lead to a painful breakup.
It’s one thing to have a single moment of weakness. However, a long-term affair, particularly one in which you develop feelings for the other person, should be discussed with your partner, according to Michele.
Ask yourself these three questions, suggests Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., sex and relationship therapist and author of The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity.
Do you think about your side piece all day and telling them everything that has happened since the last time you met? Do you sneak around to call and text them? Do you fantasize about leaving your partner for them?
If you answer yes to these questions, Tammy believes you’re in an emotional relationship.
She adds that admitting your feelings for someone other than your partner is critical. That’s because your affair could indicate that some aspects of your current relationship, such as sexual intimacy or other types of closeness, are lacking, and you’ll need to address them if you want your relationship to survive.
Tammy also notes that you should also tell the truth if your partner suspects something is wrong and questions you about it. Lying about it and making them feel crazy for thinking it is wrong and Tammy refers to this as gaslighting. It is especially dangerous for your partner because they may begin to doubt their own perception.
If you do this, you may find it difficult to reverse your actions later on.
The good news is that if you come clean, your relationship may benefit: According to a recent UCLA and University of Washington study, married people who admit their infidelity to their spouse are nearly a third less likely to divorce than those who keep their infidelity hidden.
