While many people associate divorce with loud fights, drama or abrupt departures, expert therapists often observe that many relationships end gradually and quietly, without a dramatic finale.
Many relationships start to break down well before the word “divorce” is ever mentioned. There are often early, subtle indicators such as emotional distancing, secrecy and a clear change in priorities, which can easily be dismissed or explained away.
As reported by IOL, Dr Michael Salas, a licensed professional counsellor–supervisor, says “the most dangerous stage of a relationship breakdown is often the silent one. By the time one partner brings up divorce, they’ve often been grieving the relationship privately for months, or even years. What may look calm on the surface can be an emotional checkout underneath.”
Why do people plan divorces in secret?
When one partner feels blindsided by a divorce announcement, they often perceive it as sudden and shocking.
However, for the person initiating the divorce, it is typically the final step in a lengthy internal process. This decision often starts with not being open about one’s feelings and thoughts.
In more serious situations, safety concerns can also influence the decision to leave.
Here are a few signs that may indicate the lead-up to a divorce:
Silence instead of conflict
A decrease in arguments isn’t always a positive sign in a relationship. It can indicate avoidance of meaningful conversations, superficial or transactional communication or quick shutdowns of disagreements instead of addressing them. When partners cease arguing, it’s often because they’ve lost hope that things can improve.
Emotional withdrawal
According to Psychology Today, a key indicator is also emotional detachment, which goes beyond just talking less due to a busy life. It may manifest as a partner appearing distant or disengaged during conversations, no longer opening up about their worries, frustrations or inner feelings.
At this stage, spending time together begins to feel optional and no longer holds a place of importance.
Being extra secretive
Another common shift is increased privacy that feels out of character. This might include guarding their phone, changing passwords or even giving vague explanations for where they have been. All these form part of secrecy.
No more discussions about the future
Ultimately, one of the strongest indicators of commitment in a relationship is the ability to envision a future together.
When this willingness fades, it’s important to take notice. Warning signs may include avoiding discussions about holidays or long-term plans and deflecting conversations about the future. A lack of commitment is one of the primary factors that can lead to divorce.
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