Feeling seen matters more than grand gestures
Love isn’t always the heart-fluttering, cinematic moments we see online. Sometimes, it’s the quiet frustration of feeling invisible in small, everyday decisions.
The Valentine’s flowers you dismiss as commercial. The hobby you tolerate but never really honour. Or that tiny choice made without consulting your partner, only for them to ask, “Did you even consider me?”
Johannesburg-based psychologist Sanam Naran says these seemingly minor moments are often the tipping points in relationships.
“One of the things I see most in couples therapy is how often one person says, ‘This matters to me,’ and the other doesn’t quite understand the weight of that statement,” Naran explains.
It’s not about the flowers, the plant, or the video game. It’s about recognition, attention, and emotional attunement. Ignoring these cues quietly chips away at trust.
@theconsciouspsychologist This is about what happens in the small, ordinary moments when your partner says, “It matters to me,” & you realise they’re not talking about the thing, they’re talking about feeling considered. Love grows in those quiet decisions to take someone’s emotional world seriously. That said, this isn’t about overriding your own boundaries or neglecting your needs to keep someone comfortable. Mutuality matters. The goal isn’t self-sacrifice, it’s conscious choice 🤎 #psychology #couplestherapy #love #psychologist #therapy ♬ original sound – Sanam Naran | Psychologist
TikTok humour hides serious lessons
Scroll through social media and you’ll find playful trends: girlfriends hyping up their partners’ quirky hobbies, “mean girl, soft boy” dynamics, or celebrating obscure collections. Cute, right? But beneath the laughs is a core truth: emotional support is not optional.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows couples who consistently “turn toward” each other, responding to small bids for attention and affirmation—build stronger, longer-lasting relationships. Minimising or dismissing these bids is a relationship slow burn.
Supporting your partner without losing yourself
Naran is careful to differentiate support from self-abandonment.
“When your partner tells you something matters to them, it’s revealing a soft spot, a longing to be chosen. It’s not about the gesture itself, but whether you’re able to hold something that holds meaning for them,” she says.
Healthy love requires recognising that your partner’s needs are valid, even when they challenge your own comfort zones. It’s about navigating the tension between “me” and “we.”
Respect matters more than agreement
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Maintain individuality: Research in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that couples who preserve personal hobbies and passions alongside shared experiences report higher satisfaction. You don’t need to love their plants, just respect that they matter.
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Set boundaries: Supporting someone doesn’t mean complying blindly. If a request clashes with your values, finances, or well-being, address it openly. Respect, not silent sacrifice, builds lasting bonds.
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Understand deeper triggers: Adults often carry childhood wounds into relationships. Strong reactions to minor issues can reflect old patterns, not the present moment. Recognising this changes how you respond.
The real love language: being considered
Ultimately, Naran’s advice comes down to emotional presence. Love is saying, “I see that this matters to you,” and meaning it. Not because you’re forced to, but because you choose to.
Balanced love is hard work. It asks us to hold two truths at once: your needs matter, and so do theirs. In a culture quick to label every inconvenience a “red flag,” Naran’s guidance is steady: love is less about agreement, more about empathy, awareness, and shared respect.
Source: IOL
Featured Image: X{@tndaba}
