Abusive behaviour in relationships can be very difficult to spot especially because so much of what we see, hear and learn and often end up mimicking as being ‘normal’ relationship behaviour is very often rooted in violence.
By Ruwaydah Harris
Clinical Psychologist Tebogo Monyamane explains that abuse is any kind of behaviour where one partner wants and had power over another, with the intention to harm and making the other partner feel weak and helpless. This can include withholding affection in order to control behaviour, playing mind games, threatening to harm themselves, blaming the partner for the abuse, threatening or actually taking the children away. This applies to all kinds of relationships- heterosexual, same sex, monogamous and non-monogamous.
SEE ALSO: Mshoza opens up about her abuse
How do abusers differ?
Tebogo says the abuse can take different forms and this can make it difficult to spot. Some may throw things at their partner, which is still abuse even though it may not involve physical assault. All abusers utilise manipulation and control as means to continue their abuse. Often, when you’re in a relationship with an abuser, when things are good, they’re really good. They will be absolutely amazing the one day, then be manipulative and controlling the next day and then wonderful again. This up and down roller coaster keeps you hooked on a situation that isn’t healthy, usually because it is so confusing. You may end up finding excuses for the abusive and controlling behaviour and start believing you’re the one to blame.
SEE ALSO: Mpho Millicent Kumalo “I survived abuse”
How to identify abusive behaviour
You or the person you are with may be engaging in abusive behaviour if there is
- Hitting, restraining, and/or throwing things
- Yelling and screaming
- Instilling fear, lying, withholding information (i.e. attempts at manipulation), wanting to know where you/they are all the time or being controlling.
- Threats, harassment, and stalking, especially when the relationship has ended.
- Denigration (being deliberately mean and hurtful so as to belittle and diminish confidence)
- Any kind of sexual violence as defined by the Sexual Offences Act
If you are dealing with abuse, contact your nearest police station. You can also contact Families South Africa FAMSA’s national office at 011 975 7106 and/or People Opposing Women Abuse 011 642 4345/6
