When someone loses a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to say. You may want to offer comfort but worry that the wrong words could make their pain worse.
Also see: Thandeka Tshabalala gets vulnerable about grief and healing
National Grief Awareness Day, observed on 30 August, is an opportunity to encourage greater understanding of grief and how to support people experiencing loss.
While there is no perfect script for comforting someone who is grieving, experts recommend avoiding phrases that minimise their feelings, rush their grieving process or impose your own beliefs on their experience, The Loss Foundation reported.
1. “Everything happens for a reason”
This may be intended as reassurance, but it can be particularly difficult for someone struggling to understand their loss.
According to Help Guide, rather than trying to find a reason for what happened, acknowledge their pain. Saying “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I’m here for you” can be more appropriate.
2. “They’re in a better place”
Statements about where someone has gone after death can unintentionally impose religious or personal beliefs on a grieving person.
Instead, let the bereaved person guide conversations about faith or spirituality. Sue Ryder recommends avoiding assumptions about religious beliefs when supporting someone who has lost a loved one.
3. “I know exactly how you feel”
Even if you have experienced grief yourself, no two losses or grieving experiences are identical.
Rather than comparing your experience with theirs, allow them to talk about what they are going through. “How are you feeling today?” can open the door without making assumptions, Cruse suggests.
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4. “You need to be strong”
Help Guide suggests that grief can involve sadness, anger, confusion, guilt and many other emotions. Telling someone to be strong may make them feel they have to hide those emotions.
Instead, reassure them that they don’t have to pretend to be okay around you. Being present and listening without judgement can be more helpful than trying to cheer them up.
5. “At least…”
Be careful with sentences that begin with “at least”, such as “At least they lived a long life,” or “At least they didn’t suffer.”
Although these statements may be intended to highlight something positive, they can make the person feel that their loss is being minimised. Cruse Bereavement Support recommends acknowledging the loss instead of trying to find a silver lining.
6. “Time heals all wounds”
Grief doesn’t follow a fixed schedule. Telling someone that they should eventually feel better can create pressure around how quickly they are expected to recover.
Instead, give them space to grieve at their own pace. Grief support organisations emphasise that there is no single ‘right’ way to grieve, reported The Loss Foundation.
7. Don’t avoid them because you don’t know what to say
Silence can sometimes be more painful than an imperfect attempt at offering support. Cruse advises people not to disappear from someone’s life simply because they are worried about saying the wrong thing.
You can simply say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m thinking of you.” You can also offer specific practical help, such as preparing a meal, running an errand or checking in regularly.
Ultimately, supporting someone through grief isn’t about finding the perfect words. It’s about listening, acknowledging their loss and letting them know they don’t have to go through it alone.
Also see: Helping your child heal from loss and grief
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