In most cases, ending an abusive relationship doesn’t just mean walking out the door. You can feel shackled to your partner, unable to leave them, along with worries about finding a place to live, providing for yourself, or being denied access to your children or loved ones.
This psychological link, known as a trauma bond, results from a continual cycle of abuse, devaluation, and encouragement.
According to Healthline, Trauma bonds are emotional bonds with an individual that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. The process of forming trauma bonds is referred to as trauma bonding or traumatic bonding.
Trauma bonds can look a little different depending on the type of relationship, but they tend to have two main characteristics.
Signs of a traumatic bond
A cyclical nature
They first rely on sporadic reinforcement. In other words, an abusive cycle. In general, it’s simpler to leave a horrible situation where the abusive person never shows any warmth or care for your welfare. You won’t likely stay if you don’t think the other person will ever change. However, there are times when an abusive partner does treat you nicely. They could bring you presents, declare you to be their soul mate, invite you out, or advise you to unwind.
These actions can be perplexing and disconcerting, especially if they are perceived as indicators of long-term change. Eventually, the fear of additional abuse starts to give way to love. You might overlook or bury recollections of their prior actions as you gradually earn trust until the cycle begins again.
A Power imbalance
Additionally, a fundamental power disparity supports these ties. In this dynamic, you can experience a sense of total power over you and feel unable to resist or free yourself. Even if you are able to end the relationship, it could be difficult to break the tie without expert assistance.
Simply because the abusive cycle is familiar to you and you don’t yet know how to live without it, you can feel incomplete or lost without them and eventually return.
Here’s a look at some other characteristics of traumatic bonds:
- You feel unhappy and may not even like your partner any longer, but you still feel unable to end things.
- When you do try to leave, you feel physically and emotionally distressed.
- When you say you want to leave, they promise to change but make no effort to actually do so.
- You fixate on the “good” days, using them as proof that they truly care.
- You make excuses and defend their behavior when others express concern.
- You continue to trust them and hope to change them.
- You protect them by keeping abusive behavior secret.
Trauma bonds can linger, even when the abuse happened long ago. You might struggle to stop thinking about someone who hurt you and feel the urge to reach out or try again.
You are never at fault for abuse. The formation of a trauma bond is not either. The support of a qualified expert can make all the difference in helping you reclaim your feeling of self-worth and feel like you’ve finally broken free.
Also see: Can to much positivity become negative
